Voodoo Child v. 17: Welcome to the One Woman Show

A few years ago, before I moved out of my house and into another one, I took a last walk through each of the rooms and opened and closed a few closets to make sure I left nothing behind. As I listened to the sounds of my footsteps echo through the now empty home, I stared at the mantle and marveled about how full it used to be of pictures. I think we even had a patis bottle up there.

I looked out the window of the bathroom one last time and amused myself with the number of stunning sunsets I took in from that window. The view overlooked the ocean and wasn't a bad view, even if it was over the shitter.

I walked into my roommates' old rooms and remembered the late nights sitting there bullshitting. The late night snoring. The way I'd have to turn off my roomie's lights after she'd long passed out. Those rooms were empty now. Quiet and sullen. It was as if they were never there.

I look at this blog now and find myself remembering the randomness of my life on these pages. I see how much I've changed with time. I went to Europe, I fell in love, out of love, got my doctorate, in love again, got married, had a baby. I find myself reading over comments and laughing about how silly it used to get, but grateful that even someone stopped by to read my missives, those disjointed views into my life.

My life has now been broadcast on twitter, and while that's not a bad thing..I have a somewhat larger audience, I think, it's not the same. I can bare my soul on twitter, no doubt. But I can invite you in for a cuppa, trade thoughts with you, and perhaps even get you to write your own blog in due time. And it's the camaraderie of the blog that has kept me wanting to come back, and that's why I'm here now.

Truth is, I want to blog badly. I so do. Time, though, has not been on my side. I can't make time for it as much as I used to, but I have to find my way around that. Most of you already know about me on twitter. Great. But it's not enough.

I fell out of love with the movable type platform. I would have loved to stay with Blogger, but that kept dying on me. Tumblr is where I am now, and I can do some of the stuff I've been wanting to do for a long time (and easier too): pics, audio files, and who knows, maybe i'll call in a post. Ha.

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to write over the last 10 years. Thank you for your words, your messages, and most of all, your patience. This blog has been for me my breath of fresh air and my most life-affirming activity (next to being a mom!).

So you coming over to my new place or what? I'll gladly pour you a cup.

http://charlobo.beatsrhymesnlife.com

Voodoo

Posted by Voodoo Child at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's late, baby's sleeping, husband's sleeping. Both of them on opposite sides of the bed, yet so alike in that they just pass out when given the chance.

I was asked the other day if twitter has ruined my blog, and to some extent it has, but not so much in that I know what I can talk about in 140 characters and what I can't. And I just simply don't have the flexibility that blogging does. I think long after twitter has cooled off and gone away, we'll always have blogs, and I'll always wind up here.

It's hard to believe she's 8 months (or will be in a week), and that today she started her scoot-crawling. It's so cute to watch, but I can't help but look in terror at how crazy our house is and how much babyproofing needs to be done. I want to invite someone over to do it for me. God knows it's going to fall to me to do it.

I have started thinking about transitioning her to day care, but the thought makes me sad. I love when she's with my parents, but I know it's hard on them too. They want to see the house and go visit their retirement space.

Now if only I can do my laundry. Going to Sac sometimes makes things hard because I don't do my laundry like I'm supposed to. I hate hate hate it when someone else does it (esp my parents), but the reality is that it doesn't get done until I make the time to do it.

May is so crazy. I have weekend events booked up the ya ya and I can't wait to take time off at the end of the month. Hopefully Husbandido will take it off too, but we'll see. Most likely it'll just be me.

Since I last wrote you, I chopped off my hair to the short length it is now. I just needed something wash and go, and well I got it. Thank GOD. Plus I am going somewhere that's cheaper than my last place. She was really nice and I loved going to her but if I was going to go short, it was going to cost me way more than I wanted to spend (I tend to go LONG between haircuts).

Which reminds me, it's time to do my oil change.

I got out of jury duty by being a breasfeeding mom. I was just going to show up to do my time and whatnot, but I called them today to find out if there was room for me to breastfeed, and they said to postpone it. In SF you can postpone if you're breastfeeding, but I didn't know that until HELLO I turned the form over. Next time read your crap, Voodoo.

Mother's day is coming up. No idea what to get my mom. She does have a HIDEOUS pair of pants that she just can't let go of. I want to steal them from her, but she wears them all the time. I wonder if that's what I'm destined to do at some point in my motherhood. I told her I'd trade her those pants for a shopping spree at Old Navy. She took me up. THANK GOD. Good bye ugly pants.

Work? Well ya. I just paid to get a poster mounted and matted that says "Keep Calm and Carry On." Yep. that's a good summary for you. Let's put it this way: the office flooded when one of the toilets just started pouring out to high heaven (plant says it's clean, but come on man). So my office is now in the process of drying out. There are HUGE dehumidifiers and loud fans blowing throughout, and I can't hear crap, even the phones. It also smells like wet dog in there. It really does suck. Really.

Someone asked me the thing I missed about my old life before Bella, and honestly I don't know much about that life, but what I do miss is travelling. I mean, I can take her where I want to go, but in due time that'll happen.

And on that note it's time for bed. Goodnight all, and I'll try to blog again before 2010.

VDC

Posted by Voodoo Child at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm up late again...seems that's my life story. Luckily I don't want TV. At all, well, expect for Lost. And soon that will eventually run into reruns. So I wind up aimlessly surfing the web. I keep telling myself to be productive, but I have work to be productive for, right? Why bother.

I need to vent, I guess. See, I have this raging psoriasis that is eating me to pieces. There are days when I struggle to walk around because my skin, well, isn't as flexible as a normal person's...I don't have the luxury of a bending knee without splitting skin open. It's hard to take for granted how easy it is to move about when every move feels like you're getting ripped apart.

I drive a lot, normally, that's what a city girl does. But I started wondering why I kept leaving the seat warmers on. Silly me, they're not on, that's just my skin saying, hella warm, dude. Hella warm. I feel like, I guess to explain what this feeling is like, that I have a sunburn on my entire body. Yah that's a good way to describe it. It hurts, it's sore, it's annoying, and gee it's a fuckin' pain in the ass. There I said it.

I used to go through life saying positive things about my psoriasis, but I think I'm over it right now. I read somewhere that it was important for a patient to think like that. Well, hello psoriasis, you're a pain in the ass. What bugs me even more is that it's on my face. I haven't had it on my face since i was 19. It's one thing to have a disease you can cover up. I can't very well put a bag over my head.

You'd never know how much it bugged me, did you. Well yah. I hate being itchy all damn day. I mean really. All I want to do is scratch. By the way, don't tell me what works or doesn't work. It's probably not going to work. Yes I'm a realistic cynic. it's hard to be anything but with this so-called "heartbreak disease." Someone once had the nerve to say that to me. I glared at her and just walked away. Gee thanks.

Is it stress? Maybe. Is it the weather changing? Probably. Is it lack of sleep? Maybe. Is it life? Yes.

I feel bad when my mom just doesn't know what to do. She offers up suggestions and in general looks at me sad sometimes. My dad too. This deal is hereditary, and I can't help but wonder if they feel bad about me being this way. I hope they don't. This is the genetic lottery at work.

I could go back on the drugs, but that's a demand I don't want to put on myself right now. And it would be so easy to all of a sudden be clear. What a joy that would be like, but I know the risks. I can't breast feed. I can't get pregnant (not that I'm trying, but I'm trying to make a point here, calm down). I can't do a lot of things with that med. but it would make me so much better in less than three weeks. No lie. Tank tops and skirts better. Instead of jackets and jeans. All the time. Funny thing, even when I'm clear? I go out in jackets and jeans. Hard habit to break.

In a meanwhile, let me wrap this up by exhaling. It helped to write this. And maybe that's what I needed to heal.

Voodoo

PS: did you know I go through a costco sized bottle of lotion every two weeks? strange but true. I am the anti-ashy.

Posted by Voodoo Child at 11:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Lord. I love doing presentations. i hate doing presentations. This time it's for a bunch of colleagues (around 40) that I know more as friends than as colleagues, I guess you can say. So it's going to be kinda weird. I'll get over it though.

Something that I did recently that has helped TONS with my presentation is reading the book Presentation Zen by Garr Reynolds, and I will never look at slide show presentations the same way again. Neither should you. (My boss wanted to do a powerpoint and I immediately cringed.) Okay. Back to work. Have a cheeky day!

Voodoo

Posted by Voodoo Child at 12:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I took me going to church on Ash Wednesday (what, there's one RIGHT behind my office. Hard to ignore) to tell God that I'd commit to writing again. I went with my two co-workers, one of whom asked me what I was going to give up. Just like New Year's I always try to change it up. I don't believe in giving up things like negative habits. I believe in doing new things to improve on how things are being done. Yah it looks the same, but it's not. For Lent I gave up giving up.

I admit that I thought I'd be writing more when I went to work. But in reality, I'm not free like I thought I was going to be. I'm busier than ever, challenged to perform, to create anew, to shake off all that negativity that existed in my office before I even arrived. So it's been busy. I simultaneously love my job. I simultaneously despise it. But I have a job, so I'll just shut up.

I'm in Sacramento tonight, it's late, but I'm writing because I need to. I feel like this has been weighing me down for awhile, but it's a huge relief to write. I can't believe I waited this long.

So here's what's happened in the last few weeks. Or has it been months? Bambina's baptism went so well. It was work, but it went down and she's blessed and so are we. She bawled like hell when it was her turn, but that's life. I nearly bawled too, but that was because I got chewed out for not feeding her when I should have, but whatever. I put the whole thing together in less than a month. I have to give thanks to her godmothers for stepping up and helping out. Other folks could have helped but didn't. Annoyed.

I've been going back to light treatments. It's working, yet not. That's life too. Fracking lame skin condition. Ever get burned to the point where you're literally shaking, and it's not because you're in pain but you are? Yah. That's not fun. But since then things have calmed down considerably. Maybe I'll wear short sleeves one day. Under a sweater more likely.

Bambina was sick a few days. It's so freakin' sad to see a little one with sniffles. she doesn't even know what to do with herself. We had to go to her pedi to make sure she was okay. I took my mom with me so she could get out of the house. Ever since they've been taking care of her, they're just anal about going out. If it were up to me, we'd be out all the damn time. Poor baby, get the blinkies whenever we see the sun. Too bright! Too bright! Oops. She's better now, but a humidifier is a good thing. Really good.

Husbandido hooked me up with a Kindle for V-day. How awesome is that. For five months, whenever it was baby time, I'd have to literally drop everything. I'd try to compute, but with one arm it's pretty useless. So with my Kindle, affectionately named Kimbo Slice, I can tear through libros no problem. How cool is that. And I thought I wouldn't buy books at all. oopsies. There's three new ones in Kimbo. Oh and new vidcam. Found the other one to be big and unwieldy, and the new toy is a JOY to have. I capcha'd some crazy MIL action. GEEBUS!

I have a huge presentation to do on the 11th for work. I've been trying desperately to do my research and juggle my other work, but it's pretty impossible. I can only do reading when there's nothing on my plate (rarely) or when I'm pumping. Speaking of which I need to pump earlier and more often. This pumping at 4PM is lame. I'd love for Bambs to be fully mommy-fed, but yah, she's formula and that poop KILLS me.

Finally, got some news from a friend a few days ago that took a lot of wind out of my sails. Those of you who know, and I won't go any further, know what I'm talking about. It's been unreal, and it's been on my mind since I read the email. Prayers, light, and love. It's all I have, and it's everything I want to give.

I hate to post then leave not knowing when I'll be back, but I will. This has been hugely therapeutic, but if you want to get down and therapeutic, let me know. Really.

Voodoo

Posted by Voodoo Child at 08:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I returned to work two weeks ago, and it's been fun, it's been different. I find myself busier than my other job, but more focused on stuff that I can handle rather than chasing down things that are out of my grasp. The short answer is that it's hard to be without Bambina, but the truth is, I need to work, to feel productive. Not that being a mom isn't productive enough, but I craved doing something and finishing it. With Bambina it's constantly doing doing doing...my triumphs were getting her to sleep and not cry. But that was it. I didn't have time to do what i needed to do (buy diapers, do laundry, etc). I still don't have the time, but hell, I'm glad to be at work, but I miss her terribly.

A while ago, I told you about a friend who had a baby that was ill; he had little chance to survive. I ran into her the other day, and I didn't know the outcome of her pregnancy. In fact, we saw each other at the hospital. I gave birth, and she was rushing into the hospital to, presumably, give birth. I greeted her as always in her office, on the way to see someone else. She looked surprised to see me, and I, her. She asked about Bambina, and I asked her about her baby. She started tearing up immediately, and it came racing back to me that her baby was ill; he had a chromosomal defect. He was stillborn. We stared at each other for a moment. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach. I felt horrible. Words cannot describe. She asked me about Bambina, I beamed. I asked her about her son, and....shit.

The moment sticks with me til this day. She wrote me an email, kindly asking forgiveness for being so awkward. WTF. You have a year's pass. It was me that should have apologized. We were pregnant around the same time. We were due at the same time. Same hospital. Same everything. Shit. I went shopping for myself a few weeks prior and picked out a stunning red stone pendant on a cord. A nursing necklace. The stone had "courageous" properties. I wore it once, and I LOVED it. I bought another green one as well to symbolize persistence and decisiveness (like I have problems with that, sheesh). I can't get over wearing it. I love it so much. But I carefully wrapped up the red one and wrote her a card back and wished her courage to get through it. She was wearing it today. It made me so happy to see her smile as she fondled the stone. I wish her courage.

I got up this morning to listen to my new president take the oath. I lied, actually, I was at home, then headed out to work to make it in time to hear his oath and address. The entire network was clogged, but I listened to NPR to get me through. I knew my membership would pay off. I'm hopeful, elated, and bolstered by his presidency, and I'm so glad to bring my daughter up in a day and age that has seen change and hope sweep this country.

Well...that's enough for now. Husbandido is off bowling with his bros, and I'm here by my lonesome being a mommy. It's okay. There's no place I'd rather be. Okay, maybe Maui or Paris, but you know me by now.

Kisses,
Voodoo

Posted by Voodoo Child at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's 25 minutes until the new year. My daughter is asleep. My husband is chatting with his family on gtalk. I'm in the kitchen supervising the new toaster oven and dining on some fine fine S'Mores by Ben & Jerry's. I know, I swore it off, but shit, it's so damn good, and it's New Years, right?

I guess this would be a good time to look back on the year, discuss what went right, what went wrong. That's life. But I'm looking forward to the new year. I'm not one to be overly optimistic, but I'm thinking that 2009 will be an incredible year, and I'm going to take you guys me.

I have been bustin' my brain to think of what this year's resolution is going to be, but I'll be sufficiently vague: this is the year of exponential growth. I plan on making huge strides in my new position. (Side story: 9 years ago when I applied for the job at University, this was the position I originally wanted, but I was given the "don't apply for that, apply for this" speech, and I wound up sticking around for 8 years. Now I finally get my dream job). I plan on making an unprecidented impact. Huge words, I know, but that's the plan, and I will do it.

Since we started our little family, I think we're set...for now. When Bambina turns 1, we'll discuss her sibling, but not before then. Who knows where this will go. I'm excited about the leaps and bounds she will make, and I'm even more excited for the ones we'll take as parents.

I am looking forward to being a more active blogger...once I get back to work, heh, I'll be able to sit down and crank out some stuff for you more often. I'm working on a Conversations with God piece that should drop in the next month.

I'm always open to the newness that a new year brings, and I'm looking forward to the exciting changes that my life has in store for me. As I write this, this is my 8th year blogging. It's been good and it's been fun, and it's always been wonderful to have good readers, all 1 of you, here to cheer me on.

Well, here comes the new year. Blessings to you and yours, and may your year be amazing.

Voodoo 

Posted by Voodoo Child at 11:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today we took Ms. Bambina on her first fun field trip: the California Academy of Sciences. As a child, I grew up on trips here when my parents were on vacation or when we had guests from out of town. It's always been a magical place for me to see the animals, learn about critters, plants, and such. See the animals in habitats (my dad always told me they were plastic and/or robots). It's a place full of fond memories, and I love it.

I haven't been there since the renovation. I didn't go to the Howard Street site, well, because it's not the academy I know. So I went ahead and waited. Got a a family membership when Bambina joined us (natch), and headed out today for the first time. I debated between joining the MoMA (I used to be a member here), or De Young, but this felt more natural, since Husbandido is a nurd of sorts.

So holy moly, I thought it wasn't going to be crowded but oh lord was it ever. We arrived there around 10:45ish after looking for parking (the garage was already full). The iine for ticket holders (LONG) was deep on JFK drive, and the line for the Members was about 1/4 that line, and holy crap, we still had to wait a few to get in. I had to nurse young Ms. while standing, and OMG she's heavy now. 14 lbs or so is what we're guessing.

The place was rampant full of kids. I shoulda busted our family out earlier, but it was so warm in bed. Can you blame us? I am so kicking myself too because I didn't anticipate it being so cold, and we sort of underdressed her. Not that she was in a onesie, but it was just a warm, we thought, thick jumper, so we kept a blanket on her the whole time we waited outside, but it was still cold. Husbandido had her in the Bjorn, so at least they had each other. I felt like a bad parent, but that's just me.

I loved the exhibits but what was more exciting was her reaction to the exhibits, especially the fish. She got up close and personal with a penguin, and she jumped. It was really cute. We didn't stay too long, but we were there long enough to know that we were going to come back and come back soon so we can see everything again. I'll most likey renew my membership there next year.

We had lunch at B-Star, but Bambina wasn't having it. It was near her nap time and we kept waking her up to get out of the car to eat, to go to Best Buy to pick something up for Husbandido's busted computer. We had such delish food: triple mushrooms, fish and fries, tea leaf salad (holy god it's so good), samusa soup, won ton soup (it was a soupy kinda day), and I had a lychee mint smoothie. We came home and took a nice nap. Speaking of which, it's time for me to sneak off to bed.

A note about breastfeeding: I am really happy to have had a positive experience so far. I guess, it really was hard starting out, but it's natural enough that I don't have much of a problem doing it when I need to do it. I'm just trying to brace myself for being away from her in less than two weeks. At any rate, had to do it quite a few times today, in the academy, at the restaurant, whew. I'm thankful that I'm in a progressive enough city that people don't trip off of it. Even knowing moms will see me and give me that "shit i shoulda brought my cover with me too." Yep. It really did help!

Okay kids. Be good. Get out of the house, but god's sake, dress the kids up warmly!

Voodoo 

 PS: pics are on facebook or on bambina et. al.'s page. email me for deets.

Posted by Voodoo Child at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Good evening all. It's late, but I'm here in Sacramento. Everyone is playing a game, and I'm sitting on the couch playing around with my computer. It's not that I don't want to play, but the baby is asleep, and I'm on the monitor listening with half an ear to see if she'll sleep through while I'm out in the living room.

Christmas was nice. I really mean nice. It's been good to be with my family and Husbandido's family. I really wish that there was enough energy in me to spread between the two, but after a late night session with my family, it's hard to stay up with Husbandido's family. I'm trying hard, and I don't want to be a poopface about it.

We made the big drive up to Sacramento with Bambina. Originally, we were really scared to do that, well I was, because she didn't like her carseat like I mentioned before. We wound up taking a drive to Redwood City last Saturday, and she did really well during the drive. We took that as a benchmark to see if she could handle a long drive. About 45 minutes into the drive, around Fairfield, she started to fuss. We pulled over and I nursed her. Another 10 minutes into the drive, in Vacaville, we pull over to nurse again. After that, she drowses away. I learn too, that I get car sick in the back seat, but I pass out around Dixon, and I'm good to go after that.

Here, we are with all of Husbandido's brothers, his parents, and his brother's significant others. It's a close group, and I love being here, but they have such energy that I don't feel like I have. Also, it's hard to eat food here when my dietary needs are a little different than everyone else here. I usually find myself eating pretty poorly, but I do eat.

My mother in law loves Bambina, and insists on holding her constantly, refusing to give her to anyone else because the baby won't like it. I can see what she's saying, but everyone deserves to have some quality time with the baby, and even everyone here calls her a babyhog. I have to agree. But what are you going to expect from the first grandbaby's proud grandmother?

By the way, Bambina is sick. She has a little cold, and it's pretty sad to hear her sniffle so much. It's cute though, but I hope she inherits my ability to bust out of a cold in two-three days. Unlike my Husbandido who gets manflu and goes down for at least a week. 

I'll be here until Sunday. I'll be able to check in from here a few times. I'm looking forward to the return to blogging. Hopefully she'll sleep earlier and sounder, and I can update you more.

 Merry Christmas. Hope you had a good holiday.

Voodoo 

Posted by Voodoo Child at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

aight suckas..homemade cards t is...but you ain't gettin' them til new years. chinese new years.

thank the apostle. girls neecd to hear stuff like that to keep going. holler.

ps:http://www.undergroundhiphop.com/audio/detail.asp?=Boss-Deeper&ID=1241 

Posted by Voodoo Child at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)