I'm in a computer lab, watching 17 students take a math test that i probably would have failed if I was them. 32 questions, algebra and trig. Some geometry, but nothing serious.
This time of the year i always ask myself what kind of person I was when I was their age, how I would have reacted to someone like me, and what the hell was I thinking when more than once I was probably an asshole to someone or something. i remember sitting in a classroom taking subject A and feeling somewhat out of place, like I was a huge fraud in the world of academics. Maybe if you went to college you'd know what I mean.
There is something about higher education that harkens a process of self reflection and discovery, often through excesses and unfulfilled dreams. How people manage to deal with difficulty and challenge always seems to be the harbinger of other things to come. either you deal with it or it just continues to fuck with you until you learn it. And until you learn it you will probably be doomed to repeat it over and over again.
We tend to date the same people. We tend to frequent same restaurants. We tend to want to move only in quiet concentric circles and not move past that area of comfort out of fear that we may either reveal ourselves or find ourselves in a predicament that no other version of ourself can save us from. Humans venture forth for many reasons, most likely to try and test themselves and face the damned fear or in the comfort of others, they are not alone in their endeavors, therefore not alone when they fail.
Failure like other ventures looks like two things: either 1) fail to get what you wanted, and 2) you just upright failed to make an effort. Yes, it seems not very black and white, and I'm willing to forgive your nitpickiness. There is something to be learned from failing, but more likely than not, humans are doomed to repeat their mistakes until they say, hey, what a freakin' minute, I need some help. And asking for help is like asking for a cup of ice from an eskimo. I can do this shit myself, so why bother. The truth is, eskimos probably have their shit together even better than you, Mr/Ms Thang, so ask. What's the fear?
The fear is revealing that you're not the god of all things you think you are (pity), and that you are indeed human. I learned this the hard way: that I am not all I am cracked up to be, but I can live with that, and chances are you can too. So in sum, failure, self-awareness, and figuring your shit out comes down to this plain and simple fact: you will continue to make mistakes until you figure shit out.
I know, I know, you've heard it all before. But like learning, if you are not taught properly or given direction you are rudderless and will continue to do that which is not right/correct. If you are not shown the error of your evil ways, you will not cross that bridge. You will, to return to my ghetto phrase, continue to ask for ice rather than ask to be taught how to make the ice yourself. I know it doesn't really work, but humor me and we'll all go quietly.
So as I sit here and watch my students take this test, I ask myself what old me was like...cocky, yes, but more likely than not scared as all hell that someone was going to figure me out. And debating over whether or not I should tell someone that I need help. I got over that part real fast because I learned the more you ask, the more you learn, and god help you if you find someone who can walk you through some of life's worst issues and drama cause that's some good help. We all need it. Just a matter of getting over it and moving on.