Taking the Time to Think
This weekend, Husbandido and I went off to register for Bambina. I honestly waited this one out; I thought to myself there were so many things that could go wrong. I didn't want to say that I was being negative or afraid that something wouldn't go right, but in my mind, there was no sense in me trying to jump the gun and pick out things without confirmation...that Bambina was going to be a-ok.
Scanner in hand (in Husbandido's hand, as he was the guy who held it when we registered for our wedding), we went through the stores and asked ourselves, "Oh crap, I didn't even think that we need this or that..." and even "I haven't even made a decision about what bottles to buy." We know the room should be painted green (but we don't know when that'll happen). We know that she'll be breastfed (but what the hell kind of pump are we talking about here. A pump? WTF). It's funny, when we think about it. But the good thing is that we're on the same page, and it's a laugh a minute for us while we figure out how to be parents.
It's not easy is it. That voice again. Over my shoulder. It's been awhile, I think to myself.
No, it's not, but it's a good thing that we're in it together.
Sounds good - that you have a partner in crime. God smiles. A gap-toothed smile that makes me think of Madonna.
It helps. Does it make sense that we're not feeling too nervous?
Sure. What are you worried about?
Well, I don't know. Changing up everything. Life. Timing. Issues. If we get it done right.
You are worrying too much then.
In what way?
Ever notice that you tend to worry about stuff that doesn't happen or doesn't need to happen necessarily?
Ew, you noticed that.
Of course. I notice all of these things.
Why?
Think about it. People go through life like it's in a vacuum. No one notices the little things they do: the way they brush their teeth, the way that woman across the street shifts her hip when she notices that guy walking towards her. The way you worry constantly. People notice these things. Not just me. It's the beauty in life that these little things come to light.
I feel like you're spying on me.
You think no one else notices? People watch you all the time. Yet no one has stopped to correct you or tell you otherwise. Notice that too?
That no one has told me how crappy my parenting plans are?
Yes. Notice that?
I guess I didn't think of it.
Of course you haven't. If someone didn't agree with you, they'd tell you. God smirked.
That's true. But don't you think someone would rather not say anything for the sake of just saving face?
Would you consider that person your friend?
Hell no.
Then think about the people around you...if they were your friends, they would tell you. Straight up. For the first time I realized that God didn't change shape. Normally God does. I feel unnerved for some reason. Sometimes I change. Sometimes I don't.
Any reason why?
You always have to know why, don't you. God smiled and stretched his arms over his head with a big yawn. The truth is you expect to see things as they are, that you expect something to happen when it doesn't necessarily need to happen. The whole thing about you expecting for things to go right? It doesn't need to be so. Just be happy that things are the way they are. It's really simple. Have faith.
I try.
Stop trying. Just be. Sometimes it's better to let the process unfold instead of you folding it. With that God sparkled and flickered away. I thought I had another question in mind, and waited for God to reappear, but when God didn't, I just let it be.
And that was okay.
I hate it when God's right.
Voodoo
