Voodoo Child v. 16: it doesn't have to be eternal to be immortal.

This morning I had a meeting with a genetic counselor because of my age (I'm thirty-hella). Although I pretty much knew of what the whole procedure was about, and what to expect, it was informative nevertheless. Extra chromosomes. Trisomy 18. The counselor had a well-used binder that she flipped through while explaining things to me.

Because I am thirty-hella, there are things to consider: the likelihood of an "accident" as she called it happening increases with age. Fine. I accept that. But to see the hard numbers was trippy. 1:312 (I'm making numbers up here, I didn't commit them to memory). 1:52. But even then, those numbers become percents: .4% chance of something happening. As all of this is happening, I'm thinking, what if I'm that one? Great. I need more anxiety.

Afterwards, it was a quick walk over to the ambulatory to get the amnio done. Fill out some paperwork, and two nurses come out to get me. I've never had two nurses come out to get me. WTF. I feel like 1) a criminal or a special case and 2) a rockstar. The procedure itself was short enough that I think I spent more time in the bathroom doing my bidness than the whole procedure.

The trippy thing about the amnio was that there are four people in the room with me. Thing 1 and Thing 2 Nurses, the ultrasound tech, and the Dr. Bad Haircut. I greet everyone. Smiles all around. It seems like they're having a good day. I ask if it's normal to have that many people in the room, and it was. Okay so I'm not a criminal or a rockstar. Great. They put me on a table, ask me to pull up my shirt and pull down my pants to my hips.Um, okay.

They do an ultrasound (a sonogram is a picture, whereas the ultrasound is the real-time video feed of the baby), and that baby has a big ol' head. Looks like Dad/Husbandido. Hey, there's the face. Looks like a mexican wrestling mask. Get to listen to the heartbeat. Get to see a little spine. Get to see little hands. This is all happening in a darkened room, with only natural light to see us through. I almost prefer it that way. Fluorescent light makes one look...sallow. Anyways, five minutes of watch the baby go by. It's not long enough. Oh and warm ultrasound gel. So much better than cold ass room temperature shizz. Another intriguing factor? I didn't know the Ute (my name of affection for the uterus) is up to my belly button. No wonder I feel like my guts are moving up in the world.

The procedure itself is fairly straightforward. Iodine swab over belly. Then I hear some rustling of paper/plastic that I know to be the needle being unfurled. NO, I don't pick my head up to see it. Here's why. That's a seven inch needle. The ultrasound is going again to help guide the needle. The doctor comments, "You have a busy baby." I think in my head that homegirl/homeboy exhibits parental traits of fidgetyness. So anyways, I get the "you'll feel a prick, that's the needle." Sure enough, there's the prick and what feels like 3-5 seconds of descent (it feels like pressure, no real pain) and then the extraction of amniotic fluid. After the needle gets removed, the nurse shows me the 2 tubes of fluid that were removed with my name on it. it looks like chicken broth, and about 2 tablespoons were removed. Okidokes.

More ultrasound action: heartbeat (get to see the heart beating too, crazy), and make sure baby is still there doing whatever babies need to do. I get a warm towel wipeoff (because they like me, they said), and clothes get pulled up/down. I get helped off the table, and in retrospect maybe I should have gotten up slower. I tend to want to get up and running right away. I wobbled a bit. The doctor and I meet down the hall after some kind goodbyes from the nurses, and I get a picture of El Fetus to take with me.

Summary: Amnio wasn't that difficult. It does feel crampy afterwards, but nothing that you will get upset about. Yes there was a poke, but that was minor. I think blood draws are more annoying. I also think going into it with a positive mindset helps a lot. I could have been all freaked out and bitchy, but being friendly made things easier. When you're at ease, so are they. Just a word of advice.

Voodoo